how to not give up on your dreams even though they are so hard and everything sucks

Most definitely not a guide.

I wake up every day at 7:30 am Eastern time in a town I dislike, in a state I hate, and in a country I learned to accept as my new home. I drink a big cup of Italian espresso and drive to college at 8:30 am. Class only starts at 9:00 am but finding parking sucks because everyone drives, and nobody walks around here. I have the same class until 12:50 pm. I heat yesterday’s dinner in the microwave on the floor of the student lounge which is actually a small room with two fridges that gets cleaned once a year. I am scared of putting my food there because it is probably home to an undiscovered mass of destructive bacteria. Then, I have the same class from 2:15 pm to 6 pm. I spend that entire time worrying about the project I am currently working on. At the moment, It is a documentary and while I always think I will enjoy the process of doing something new, it is actually quite miserable. Real people are mean, self-indulgent, and disorganized. That is why I take interest in them anyway, so I shouldn’t complain. But I do. No matter how much I care about my topic and story, it will get knocked over at least three times every single time. I will want to drop out at least two times a semester. I will look into cheap flights to another continent at least once a week. Yet, every week I have therapy and get to the conclusion I could be calmer, maybe even happier doing something else (probably something secure like marketing) but I would get bored. And boredom is my worst enemy. My hyperactivity diagnosis could never sit down at a desk and feel I deserve 180K a year.

So this is my upbeat guide to myself to re-read from now on, because yes, I will be miserable again doing what is my dream.

1. Explain what is the career dream.

I spent most of my life saying it was film, but it isn’t just that, is it? I want it all. Check all the above for all the creative jobs out there. The dream is creating.

2. Admit it kinda sucks.

That is the exact part I dislike it. Creating kinda sucks. I was a firm believer that the process is better than the product but that is absolute bullshit when it comes to creation. Everything else in life follows this rule, but do not lie to yourself by saying that lifeless 13-hour film sets are better than a movie. Rewriting a stupid English paper multiple times is the most gutwrenching thing you will ever do, but clicking “turn in” is awesome. Cooking Tiramisu on New Year’s Eve while everything around you is falling apart is most definitely not as tasteful as that heavenly egg-mascarpone-coffee taste. So stop pulling up with the self-help bullshit, the process is hellish. After you accept that, it is easier to deal with it. Accept drugs from strangers, drink wine on a Monday, smoke a menthol cigarette.

3. Hold on to what matters.

What actually matters is that first spark of the idea you had. Nothing else. It doesn’t matter if half of the world (OR THE STATE OF FLORIDA) is against you. If you have an idea you care so much about and believe it needs to get made no matter what, accept that your body and soul will refuse to function if you give up.

4. It will most likely unsatisfy you. It might be shit.

Having it done will give you a rush of relief and you will understand it was all worth it. You will probably be thinking about new, and somehow harder, ideas. You will pray to Holy Mary for the first time in months and say thank you. You will, finally, be happy.

Until you screen it to an audience. Then, it will all go down the drain. You will feel the rollercoaster going down in an endless 90-degree angle. Now, you MUST do your new ideas because they are so much better, and so much more exciting and so much more you than this piece of work you just did. And most of all, you will egotistically refuse to let the last thing you do be something less than 99% perfect to your standards. So no—you won’t be dropping out and running away to Europe.

5. So you will do it again.

And guess what? You will whine about it.

There is some indescribable feeling through the daily life of actually saying no to emotional comfort and stability. That feeling will linger in between your thumb and index finger. That will shape your life for better or worse. Step into the craziness every time you feel crazy—that’s when helpful texts like this come out!

Subscribe to my personal crazy thoughts I guess?

Com Amor (and this time a tad of hate),

Giulia